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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Vatican City Inks Top Free Agent

NFL free agency began on Tuesday and already the usually quiet Vatican City franchise has made headlines signing Jorge Bergoglio to fill the vacancy in its quarterback position that opened up with the surprise retirement of Benedict XVI, who resigned just hours before a lightning bolt thrown by team owner God The Father struck the basilica of St.Peter's where he was having supper.

In a statement released by the team late Wednesday, team owner God T. Father said "I've owned this team for over 2,000 years, and it's had a lot of successes in that time. I've generally been a hands-off owner --  except when fans pray really, really hard to me for their team to win, I sometime intervene to grant them their wishes, as you know.  But lately the franchise has not been performing up to its potential, and I'm hoping a change at the quarterback position can get us back to a championship level.  If not, I'll just give this guy a fatal illness and find someone else to take his place."

In a related statement, director of player personnel T. Holy Spirit said, "We looked at a lot of candidates, as you have to do when you're filling a position this important.  Tim Tebow was very high on our list, but we wanted a little more experience.  Although Jorge is not the most athletic option available, in our system, we don't need the quarterback to be an athlete.  His job is to put fans in the seats and get them to pay a tithe.  We've also got television channels that aren't producing anywhere near the revenue they should be.  We did a thorough job scouting everyone, reading their thoughts and all that, and considering that roughly half of our fan base is in Latin America, Jorge was a better fit than any other candidate to turn the franchise around and get it back to being the money-making machine it was just a few decades ago. If he doesn't, I'll just drop a few hundreds tongues of flame on his bald head and we'll go in a different direction."

Head coach Jesus Christ was quoted as saying "Jorge has been studying my playbook for several decades and I'm very confident he can step right in and run the offense at a high level right way, even without the benefit of a training camp.  More than anyone, I know the pressure that our owner puts on the quarterback, so I'll do what I can to help him adjust to the higher level of expectations."

The Gods were not available to take questions.

Bergoglio told reporters, "The opportunity to work one-on-one with Coach Christ on a daily basis was too good to pass up. If anyone can help me take my game to the next level, it's Him.  I know we have a passionate fan base and a very committed owner who makes sure we have a top quality worship facility, dedicated private jets, great food in the cafeteria, amazing uniforms, and all the little things that make Vatican City such a great place to play.  I look forward to finishing my career here and bringing God and the fans a whole bunch of championships in the years ahead."

Bergoglio's agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said, "The negotiations were tough but fair, as fair as they can be when you're bargaining with God.  Jorge wanted to be here and God has always been willing to open His checkbook to bring in elite talent, so we were able to work things out.  But let me be clear, it's not just about the money.  Or even the bling, although God knows there's plenty of that in the Vatican.  Jorge has taken a vow of poverty after all.  It's about the respect. Now I've gotta set up another meeting with God to see if He can find a place for T.O. on this roster."